dimanche 16 janvier 2011

Funny Tiger Woods Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

would like to remind Tiger that he who drives well on the fairway... does NOT fair well in the driveway!
wonders how many women, would a Tiger Woods woody if a Tiger Woods would woody women? He would woody as many women could he until Woody gets hit by a 3 woody.
needs you to do him a huge favor. Can you please, uh, take my name off your facebook list?
had a tough day, where, on his second ho, he drove through a water hazard and into the trees...
thinks it's times like these where he asks himself... What would Tiger do?
is wondering if she is the only one who hasn't had sex with Tiger.
isn't sure what a "transgression" is, but dang, I want to get me some of that!
can't believe Tiger's response as to why he had "transgressions"... "They're Grrrreat!"
is shocked that Nike is changing their slogan after Tiger's "transgressions" to "Just Do Me!"
heard that Tiger is giving up golf, and becoming an actor... His 1st movie: "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Transgressions"
thinks the beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.

2010 New Year's Resolution Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

's 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to hide the golf clubs before having multiple "transgressions".
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to avoid having 8 kids and getting a reality TV show.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to come up with another way to get on TV instead of faking that his 6 year old son is in a runaway weather balloon.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to see Michael Jackson live in concert. What? He died? How come there was no media coverage?
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to be on the guest list for Obama's next state dinner.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to re-enact the movie "The Hangover" in real life.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to find hidden immunity idols in his house with no clues.
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to finally collect on his fortunes from Nigeria... Suckers!
's 2010 New Year's resolution is to be more like Sarah Palin a finish evertything that I st

Addiction based Funny Facebook Status Updates

NAME...

is huked on fonics.
needs blood in his caffeine system
is thinking about taking up golf to cure his sex addiction... If it worked for Tiger...
thinks reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
thinks he might be addicted to Facebook because he's seeing a lot of random people around the city, that he's already seen on Facebook.
would quit smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs
thinks he might be addicted to twitter and alcohol since, he created a Twitter acccount just to follow the updates of various bars for their specials
might be addicted to eBay considering he just spent 6 hours trying to burn the face of Jesus into his toast
thinks cocaine is a good way of telling you that you make too much money
loves cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Funny Earth Hour Facebook Status Updates

Al Gore...

has said it before. Earth Hour, Earth Hour and a Half, whatever it takes.
is making smores during Earth Hour. Did you know that smores are actually named after the arch-demon S'morax, Satan's top chef.
In order to read without electricity during earth hour, I'm keeping this tire fire going all day.
says no Earth Hour for me! I got my fill of pointless symbolic gestures by communicating in sign language with my toaster.
I'm sorry earth hour. I'm gonna be watching March Madness during that time. I'll make up for it by sleeping an extra hour tonight.
says it's Earth Hour and has shut off all his electronic devices. Oh crap, this tweet is on his BlackBerry.
Earth Hour... Apple claims it's actually iEarth Hour and that this too is another one of their innovations...
Earth Hour? You guys are pronouncing it wrong... It's actually pronounced... Happy Hour...

Funny April Fools Day related Facebook Status Updates

JOKER...

For April fools day, I took my nephew to "Disneyland", but instead I really drove him to a burned-out warehouse. 'Oh, no,' I said. 'Disneyland burned down.' He cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good April Fools day joke.
wants to remind you that everything is funny as long as it's not happening to you.
is pleased to introduce you to baby Jacob, born today 8lb's 7 oz. Mom and baby are doing great! Oh yeah... April Fools!
won a free donut in Roll Up The Rim... Yeah Right! April fools
is getting an iPad!!!! April Fools!
is so sorry you got fired. April Fools!
noticed a friend's Facebook status said that he was suicidal and thinking about jumping off of a bridge. So I poked him. April Fools!
Has got tickets to go see Nickleback! April Fools!
wants to remind everyone to poke holes in your cat before you put it in the microwave. April Fools!
is quitting drinking today.... April Fools!
for April Fools day is going to tell a guy he's going to shoot him, then kill him with a brick.

Modern Family based funny Facebook Status Updates

Phil...

says what I was 11 years old. I hit ten straight fastballs in the batting cage, then my friend Jeff Sweeney took one in the groin. I yelled "ball two!" Everybody laughed. That's when I knew I was funny.
says trust me, I had plenty of fun in my time. Then, I met my wife.
says you never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they grab a hold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.
says all women should look as tasty as you when they're old
says cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties
says you have nothing to fear, but fear itself... and the concrete
hears others saying "You can be part of the problem, or part of the solution." But I happen to believe you can be both
I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.
is a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face
used to have a machete, but times have changed
There are fish that swim around all day with their babies in their mouth and even that fish would look at Youl and your mother and say... 'that's messed up'
says when you're gay you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It's like a high-five — we call it a low two..

samedi 15 janvier 2011

Funny News Related Facebook Status Updates

Kermit...

too is being recalled by Toyota
is thinking it's a good thing the car bomb in Times Square was in a Nissan Pathfinder... Just imagine if it were in a Toyota...
is rushing to KFC to get a Double Down Combo... Fries, Drink and a Defibrilator.
is spewing hot volcanic ashes
is pissed at Jay Leno for taking his job.
is status-free
thinks it's a BIG F*#!'n deal!
is not buying an iPad. Period.
just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF... Best Facebook Friend Forever...
just heard that apparently the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is so big that Sarah Palin can see it from her house.

Funny LOST Facebook Status Updates

Jack Sheppard...

says for all you LOST fans out there, if you take the last names of each of Oceanic 6 surviviors, and re-arrange the letters, it's actually an anagram for "Get A Life".
has noticed that according to Facebook, Hurley and Jacob are now friends.
will now summarize LOST.. "Plane crashes... Weird stuff happens... People Die"
is dead. Yet here you are reading his update. What does that make you?
has found out what happened to the Polar Bear from LOST... It's hanging in Sarah Palin's office.
is ticked off that that the final epsiode of LOST was recalled by Toyota
LOST Spoiler Alert: Hurly is going to eat everybody in a big BBQ in the end.
4 8 15 16 23 42
is aggravated! That was it? That’s the big LOST secret? Survivors were in an Italian restaurant the whole time?! Oh, wait, that was an Olive Garden ad.
LOST is like a Haiku. Haikus are easy. But sometimes it doesn't make sense. Refrigerator.

Funny Current Affairs related facebook status updates

Mel...

Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? .........You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like! Anything is possible when your Facebook status looks like this one...
This just in... Apple has just hired LeBron James to fix the iPhone signal problem!
knows how to stop the BP Oil leak from putting out... Just put a giant wedding ring on it!
says finally an iPhone killer... Your left hand!
says Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. I’m on a horse.
sometimes runs up to strangers on the street and yells "YOU'RE IT!!" and then runs away.
is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
is wondering if you choke a smurf... what colour would he turn?
hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo.
not only had to take his mom to the prom.. he had to pay her $20...
You f***ing do. You go out in public and it’s a f***ing embarrassment. You look like a f***ing bitch on heat.!@#$$@#$... SORRY Mel Gibson was updating my status update.
has breaking news.. many iPhone4 users are irrate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple's iDon'tcare.
's Miami sources say, Lebron James is not signing with them anymore. He's going to stop the oil spill!! He is going to clog the pipes with his ego.

Funny Justin Bieber inspired Facebook Status Updates

Justin...

is wondering on which day God created Justin Bieber... couldn't he have rested on that day too?
thinks if Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga had a kid... it would look like Chucky
This just in from the centre for disease control.... To avoid catchingBieber fever... Wash your hands and grow up!
thinks everyone should stop teasing poor Justin Bieber... She has feelings too!
just found out that the next Hannah Montana will be played by Justin Bieber
is wondering what type of horrible mother calls their daughter Justin?
can't go out this weekend... I'm babysitting Justin Bieber
What can you write in 140 characters? How about the memoirs ofJustin Bieber?

"Yes I am... That Guy" Funny Facebook Status Updates

Rico...

has two tickets to that thing you love.
is the guy who put the hole in the ozone layer.
says, you know how people say "in bed" after fortune cookies? Well... I invented that.
is the guy that Chuck Norris wishes he were...
is often the life of the party even though he's not there.
is that guy that if he were to punch you in the face... You'd have to fight off the strong urge to thank him.
is that guy whom Sharks have a week dedicated to!
vs Shaq and Shaq lost...
is the guy who put the laughter in slaughter
let the dogs out
is the Cigar Guy

"Is So Cool..." Funny Facebook Status Updates

The Situation...

is SO COOL he can't drink soda because the can will explode!
is SO COOL that he wasn't born, he was unleashed.
is SO COOL that he doesn't sweat, he glistens.
is SO COOL that ice cubes are afraid of him.
is SO COOL that you can set your clock by his five o'clock shadow.
is SO COOL that he got Helen Keller to talk.
is SO COOL that Rosa Parks gave up her seat for him.
is SO COOL that ancient civilizations sacrificed virgins in anticipation of his birth.
is SO COOL that he can't be killed by bullets because they're afraid.
is SO COOL that when he plays Deal or No Deal, the banker always offers him a million dollars.
is SO COOL that he shot the Deputy after Bob Marley shot the Sheriff.
is SO COOL that if he jumped the shark then Happy Days would still be on the air.

Funny Facebook Status Updates inspired by The Office

Dwight...

likes to think one step ahead... Like a carpenter... Who builds stairs.
thinks that the best kind of bear is a Black Bear... Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica!
knows that the eyes are the groin of the head.
Has flaws. What are they? Oh I dunno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car.
needs to clarify something... Certain events have transpired and I've thought about certain things. And I'm sorry for the way those certain events transpired and I would just like to make some changes about certain things and certain situations with certain accountants.
is not offended by homosexuality. In the 60s I made love to many, many women – often outdoors in the mud and the rain – and it’s possible that a man slipped in. There’d be no way of knowing.
once kept a spud gun in my bag at work for almost an entire day. Can you imagine if I were deranged?
is not superstitious, I'm only a little stitious.
wonders if your parents are first cousins.... who are also bad at ping-pong?
thinks that the end justifies the mean
does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair!
is wondering what is wrong with these people? They have no willpower! I once went twenty-eight years without having sex. And then again for seven years!
thinks that nobody should have to go to work thinking, oh this is the place that I might die today. That's what a hospital is for. An office, is for not dying. An office is a place to... live life to the fullest. To the max. To... an office is a place where dreams come true.
doesn't "need" to be liked. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
thinks you have been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now your cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin!

Funny Christmas Facebook Status Updates

Grinch...

thinks that Santa Claus has the right idea to only visit people once a year.
is going to buy my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, "toys not included.”
thinks there's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning... and not be a child.
wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
is going to see The Nutcracker... It reminds me of boxing, except with music, choreography, and the dancers don't hit each other.
is going to suprise his wife on X-Mas with new boxers that say "Tickle-My-Elmo".
thinks this year, he is going to buy all his Christmas gifts from Nike... Made for kids by kids...
wonder is Christmas trees could scream, would we be so joyful in cutting them down? I suppose we might... if they screamed all the time... and for no good reason.
says "I got your stocking stuffer right here! Baby!"
This just in... Santa has been shot down by Sarah Palin while flying over Alaska...

Funny 2011 New Year's Resolutions for Facebook Status

Updates

LeBron

resolves to create the world's most annoying TV show... "Glee: Jersey Shore Edition" staring Justin Bieber, LeBron James and Oprah as the Chilean Miners.
resolves to have each of my resolutions in 140 characters or less!
resolves to stop breaking into song at every opportunity... Or atleast stop watching Glee...
resolves to stop using Facebook as a communication tool for somebody in the same room as me.
resolves to quit his job by swearing at his co-workers, stealing a couple of beers, and running out the emergency exit!
resolves to remember to take his medication to stop his Wikleaks...
resolves to avoid getting stuck in a Chilean mine.
resolves to stop Oprah from making any more shows.
resolves to marry Kate Middleton
resolves to tolerate stupid Facebook status updates as long as they don't waste my time.
resolves to stop using the same old story of being sick to get out of work but instead resolve to make up new excuse for the New Year.

vendredi 14 janvier 2011

25 best creative Facebook and Twitter status messages

is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years
.. used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
.. says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
.. is in bed with your Girlfriend !
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
Studying for my AIDS test hope i dont fail.
.. understands that hard work pays off in future but Laziness pays off now !
.. thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest invention ever thinks copy & paste is the greatest…
is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
is .ʇı ʎuǝp oʇ ʎɹʇ ʇ,uop .ʍou ʇɥbıɹ ʎɐʍɐ puıɯ ɹnoʎ buıʍo1q
thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
I’m on the “Starts tomorrow” diet.
recommends screwing the ceiling fan in before switching it on!
Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped
Is Wondering…. If Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees,, Then Why Do Banks Have Branches ?
found out that if you search google in google, the internet would shut down….
Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where u take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends
Insert coin to view my status message.
iTunes just suffered a major melt down. I now have noTunes now
thinks "Recession" is when your neighbor loses his job. "Depression" is when you lose yours. And "Recovery" is when Obama loses his
working for the weekend, like everybody !
is posting on Twitter that he is updating his Facebook status update.
says the only constant is change, except from a vending machine.

Pages

dimanche 16 janvier 2011

Phil...

samedi 15 janvier 2011

Kermit...

Jack Sheppard...

vendredi 14 janvier 2011

25 best creative Facebook and Twitter status messages